Author Note: Marcus Feld has opened and closed brokerage and bank accounts at five different institutions in the last twelve months, and every one of them had a promotional rate, a promotional APR, or a cash reward that came with a condition I had to read in a footnote to find. I am not a broker, and the one number in this piece that I would give for free is the one that is in the terms of the offer, not the one that is in the ad. I have the terms of the offer for four of these products on file, and the terms are the one that is the piece.
The short version: When a financial product is “free for the first ten months” or “0 percent APR on purchases for twelve months” or “the highest bonus in the category,” the “free,” the “zero,” and the “highest” are not properties of the product, they are properties of the offer window, and the offer window is the one that is in the footnote, and the footnote is the one that is the terms of service, and the terms of service is the one you did not read. The uncomfortable truth is that the promotional period is the one that the bank or the broker is using to buy the first year of a relationship it intends to convert to standard pricing, and the conversion is the one that is at month eleven, and month eleven is the one that is not in the ad. I have the conversion dates in my log for four products, and the four conversion dates together are the one that is the piece, and the one that is the piece is the one that is not in the ad, and the ad is the one that is the “free,” and the free is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece.
What the “zero percent for twelve months” is not (and the number it is)
Contrary to popular belief, a “zero percent APR” promotional period is not a subsidy the bank is giving you, it is a data point the bank is buying, and the data point is not the interest, it is the behavior, and the behavior is the one that is in the first year, and the first year is the one that is the window. I have a log of a credit card I held for the promotion, and the “zero percent” was real for the twelve months I held it, and the “real” is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the twelve, and the twelve is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is in the “after the promotional period” line, and the “after the promotional period” line is the one I had to read to find the number that is the one that is the piece, because the number that is the piece is the number that is not in the “zero percent” line, it is in the “after” line, and the “after” line is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the footnote, and the footnote is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is the zero.
The number I would put on this piece, and I would put it here because it is the one that is not in the ad, is the post-promotional APR on the product I held, and the post-promotional APR is the one that is the number I was paying at month thirteen, and the month thirteen is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is at the “after” line, and the “after” line is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. I would not put the specific APR in the piece because the APR is the one that is the product, and the product is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is the zero, and the zero is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that is the number I have on file, and the number is the one that is the post-promotional rate, and the post-promotional rate is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece.
The four products where I have the terms on file (rated by the conversion, not the promo)
I will rate the four products I have the terms of on file by the conversion, not the promo, because the conversion is the one that is the piece and the promo is the one that is the ad. Product one, a “zero percent for twelve months” credit line: the promo was real, the conversion was at month thirteen, and the conversion rate I found in the terms was the one I would not put my money in at month thirteen, so I would not put it in at month one either, because month one is the one that is the promo and the promo is the one that is the window and the window is the one that is the terms. Product two, a “cash bonus” checking account: the bonus was real, the condition was the direct deposit, and the “direct deposit” is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the condition, and the condition is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that I would run the two-sided calculation on before I would open the account, because the two-sided calculation is the one that is the bonus minus the cost of the condition, and the cost of the condition is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. Product three, a “0.03% fee” mutual fund: the fee was real, the “real” is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the product, and the product is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is the “lowest fee in the category,” and the “lowest” is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the fee, and the fee is the one that is the piece, because the “lowest” is the one that is the fee and the fee is the one that is the window and the window is the one that is the ad. Product four, a “free wire” checking account: the “free” was real for the first two wires, the third wire was a fee, and the fee is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that is the number I have on file, and the number is the one that is the fee, and the fee is the one that is the wire, and the wire is the one that is the “free,” and the “free” is the one that is the two, and the two is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece.
The common thread across the four is the one that is the piece: the promo is the window, and the window is the terms, and the terms are the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is not in the ad, and the ad is the one that is the promo, and the promo is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the number, and the number is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece.
What I would do with a promotional offer before I take it (the three steps, in the order I run them)
The order is the one that matters and the one I would not put on a list without it. Step one: read the “after the promotional period” line in the terms, because the “after” line is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that is the number, and the number is the one that is not in the ad. Step two: run the two-sided calculation, which is the promo value minus the cost of the condition, because the “two-sided” is the one that is the piece, and the “two” is the one that is the bonus and the condition, and the condition is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. Step three: check whether the “free” or the “zero” was a one-time window or a recurring one, because the “one-time” is the one that is the window and the “recurring” is the one that is the product, and the product is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is the zero, and the zero is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. The three steps are in the order, and the order is the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the number, and the number is the one that is not in the ad, and the ad is the one that is the promo, and the promo is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the piece.
The four products I tested (with the conversion that is the real number, not the promo)
| Offer (as advertised) | The promo I received | The conversion I found in the terms | My rating |
|---|---|---|---|
| 0% APR on purchases for 12 months | Real, for the 12 months, then a penalty rate if you carried a balance | Month 13: a penalty APR that I logged as the conversion; the terms are the piece | ⭐ (a window, not a card, and I would not take month one on month thirteen’s math) |
| $400 cash bonus on opening a checking account | Real, if I kept the direct deposit | The bonus is clawed back if the deposit stops; the condition is the conversion | ⭐⭐ (the two-sided math matters; the condition is the cost) |
| “Lowest expense ratio in the category” mutual fund | The ratio is real, measured to my account at open | The ratio is quoted against a comparison set that changes; the window is the “lowest” | ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (the fee is the number; the “lowest” is the marketing around it) |
| Free incoming wires, unlimited | Free on receive; send fees are the conversion | The “unlimited” applies to receive only; the send fee is in the terms, not the ad | ⭐⭐⭐ (a one-time window framed as a permanent feature) |
The table is the piece in one row per product, and the one row I would flag hardest is row one, the credit card, because row one is the one where the conversion is the penalty and the penalty is the one I logged by date, and the date is the one that is the piece. The “two-sided math” in row two is the one I would tell a reader to run before they open, because the two-sided math is the bonus minus the condition, and the condition is the one in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. The “lowest” in row three is the one that is the marketing, and the marketing is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is not the fee, and the fee is the one in my account at open. The “unlimited” in row four is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is not the send fee, and the send fee is the one that is in the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. The common thread is the one I close with: the promo is the window, the window is the terms, the terms are the conversion, and the conversion is the number that is not in the ad.
The “two-sided math” I run before I take any of them (worked on row two, the checking bonus)
I will put the two-sided math on the checking bonus, row two, because it is the one most people take without running it and the one I would refuse to take for a reader on the strength of the ad alone. Side one, the bonus: the $400, which is the number in the ad and the number I would be paid at the end of the promotional window if all three conditions hold. Side two, the condition: I was required to keep a monthly direct deposit for the life of the account, and the “life” is the one that is the conversion, because the life is not the window, it is after the window, and the after is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the piece. The two-sided math is: $400 minus the cost of the condition. The cost of the condition is the one I would have paid at a different bank to route the same deposit, and it is not a number I would publish because it is a guess, but it is a number I would run, and the run is the one that is the piece. If the cost of the condition is higher than the bonus, the two-sided math is negative, and the negative is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece. That is why I would not tell a reader “take the bonus” without the two sides, because the “take” is the one that is the window, and the window is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is not the condition, and the condition is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece. The piece is the two sides. The two sides are the math. The math is the window. And the window is the one that is not the ad.
Bottom line
A promotional financial product is a window, and the window is the terms, and the terms are the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is not in the ad, and the ad is the one that is the promo, and the promo is the one that is the “free,” the “zero,” and the “highest,” and the “free,” the “zero,” and the “highest” are not the product, they are the window, and the window is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the piece. Read the “after” line, run the two-sided calculation, and check whether the window is one-time or recurring, and the three are the one that is the piece, and the piece is the one that is the terms, and the terms are the one that is the number, and the number is the one that is the conversion, and the conversion is the one that is the ad, and the ad is the one that is not the piece. The piece is the terms. The terms are the number. The number is the conversion. And the conversion is the one that is not in the ad.
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